Trust Fund Baby in California Part III

Let's see here, where do I start? Well, I am stressed, who isn't stressed? Why should I even feel stressed? I am feeling isolated, I should not even be saying all this on the internet, but who really cares, I do not know what to really do. Maybe I am being a downer... can you blame me? I have not enjoyed having no power chair but stay positive, right? HOW THE HELL CAN I, I am going crazy not going out. Add on having to deal with the same staff, same tv, same housemates, same computer, same food, same old shit every single day, I do not see other people, I am a social person, I like connecting with people, maybe I should be a caregiver and care for people but how can I even do that when I need to be taken care of, oh the irony. Wow I am ranting like crazy, but I can keep going. I am pissed off that I need to be pushed around these days, and I did not call or do anything about it since Wednesday, who knows why... coming to the point that I will implode from all the stress. What else is causing my stress? having most of my relationships be with staff or housemates, I have nothing against them at all. Another stress is not being this young 21 year old I DESERVE to be. I can keep going... but I'll shut up, enough ranting for tonight, I honestly do not like ranting but I'll go crazy if I don't...

In Tha Hell

Well, Well, Well
Hell if I care bout you
Your mother is a jew
Your father has swine flu
Your brother aint got a clue
Your sister is due

Hell if I cared bout you
But I do, yeah I do, do you pay your dues?
I know its unfair
I wont admit
I am admittin now

Please forgive?
Please, please
Please forgive?

You won't?
Fine see if I care
I gave you my all
I shopped for everything in the mall
In the fall
Damn it got cold, you shivering?
Well hell froze over

I'm in hell
What the hell
What, what
What the hell
(5x)

What's the diff of you n me?
None if u askin me, what you askin me?

See who comes to you if you down n out now
These words are the honest truth
Rhyme with tooth
I see you got punched in the face
What your now missing a tooth?
That is the truth, slaps you in the face don't it? don't it?

Hell if I cared bout you
But I do, yeah I do
I know it is unfair
I wont admit
I am admittin now

I just do not know what to say
I should say nothin to you
You shattered my trust
Maybe I should forgive and forget you
Yeah maybe i should
No i will never ever remember you again
I have no clue what to do
Always thinkin bout you I got no clue why

I'm in hell
What the hell
What, what
What the hell
(5x)

Trust Fund Baby in California Part II

...As I was saying last night, it is so beautiful in California, palm trees everywhere. I went to this Lamborghini Dealership in La Jolla, damn those are some NICE cars. Everything is freaking amazing there, if you are an outgoing person like myself (if my wheelchair works) California is where you need to be. Minnesota is boring as hell, I think hell froze over in the MN, no joke! There is nearly nothing to do here, there are lakes, MPLS, Mall of America, and basically sporting events, oh can't forget Valleyfair or the Minnesota State Fair. In California there is the beaches, Sea World, LA, Hollywood, Balboa Park, Disneyland, Universal Studios, Just driving around looking at the views is something to do, list can go on and on...

Thats all I can come up with for today, 3 is coming

Trust Fund Baby in California Part I

Umm... I still exist, Yeah since May I posted something, now it is October, that is like 5 months. Alot happened since then, the post in May is still accurate, still a bit love sick or basically infatuated.

Well I am not a trust fund baby or anything, I think those people have everything and just not satisfied. Maybe I am the same way as them, just labeled as something else, I am a generic trust fund baby I guess.

Lately I just get confused who to trust, who to talk to, who to confide in without getting stabbed in the back or emotionally hurt. I have no choice but to trust the people taking care of me, and when I do not interact with family and friends because of the fact I get stuck at home for a multitude of reasons; van issues, wheelchair not working, not enough staff hours to get out since there is a second person with 24 hour care, so the only time I go out is when there is support staff or when that second person is at work, how sad is that? Staying at home is really stressing me out, I am nearly going psychotic pretty much, if I don't interact with people I'll go crazy, I am a very social person, when I do not go out, the only interaction I get is with staff and my housemates and even that is getting under my skin because I see them every day, it gets really boring. To the point that I take an unorganized trip to California, it was so beautiful and breathtaking. I was down in San Diego by the way, just amazing, 70s and sunny EVERY day...

MIDNIGHT... part two soon

Trance in a dance

What the hell am I going through? I do something outside of my group home EVERY day, I'm just not satisfied. I really think I have been avoiding that void I have in me, basically a hole in me. I think it is a sickness, a love sickness. I am not sure why I am going through this now. It has been bothering me for a while actually. I try to just push these feelings away, like putting dust under the rug, it just adds up. It is coming to the point to spill the beans, see how I feel then. I am in denial if I say I am not in love, I am and it is that wrong love but honestly love can KNOCK YOU DOWN. Ughhhh.... I just want to scream "I love you" to her but that will be stupid. Love is stupid. Why do I need this now? I got a lot to risk. Is it checkMATE yet? Awwww... forget it, it's a big nothing, it's all in my head, or is it? I DON'T KNOW. One thing about being love sick, I gained confidence, gained SWAGGER, setting more realistic goals, doing something to stop thinking about her, somethings like going to schools, going out on a daily basis, actually talking more. But is this really who I am? Did I discover myself? Or is this a fake me? I honestly have no clue. This still does not answer what the hell I am going through.......

I am confused, a lost soul looking for his other half, a SOUL MATE, Am I joking? a soul mate? seriously? what a joke, theres no such thing, or is there? Who really knows or cares about that? I am trying to have a life, change my life for the better.

I also over analize the small things too much, either about a person, an object, basically overnounalize things, meaning over analizing persons, places, or things... wow that actually made sense... haha I invented a new word, 'overnounalize'

Anyways, What the hell did I just say? well I said I 33 times lol...

Maturity

Laziness is really a disease maybe a sickness, because I find my roommates SLEEPING or on the computer doing games and basically waste their time. I hate that, I used to think sleeping in was "cool" but I was just being lazy. Something clicked in me and now when its around 8 am I just wake up and do my cares, eat, then watch cnn, and spend like 30 minutes MAX on my computer, and do what I got to do. For example, I "lock in" or focus on something, recently playing around with a beat making program Fruity Loops Studio, or writing business ideas down, or write a screenplay for a movie. I can really do alot until my other staff comes @ 2, when its 2 I really like to talk to the staff that comes in and ask them whats for dinner and help with ideas of what to do after. Some days we go on walks, go shopping, go out to eat, grocery shopping, what ever is needed.

This really frustrates me when my roommates complain, wow they complain, they don't see that they are so lucky to live where they are. One time one complains about the food and they don't take the effort to go grocery shopping. WHY COMPLAIN IF YOU DON'T GO? its seriously dumb to complain about that.
Another time was when overnight staff had to stay 10pm until 2pm, a roommate had the courage to complain about that staff used 10 of those small medication cups for her 10 different meds, seriously it was his first overnight whats the big deal? atleast he DID medication.

I have really SHATTERED through my shell and have grown so much living at a group home, I don't regret that at all now.

Weekend

First of all on Saturday I went to a 'casting call' for an entertainment complex, they let me fill an application and go on an interview immediately after. It was my first official interview, I was freaking nervous! They asked me the strangest questions like what my favorite movie was, I replied Slumdog Millionaire... I think I responded a little early, oh well. I think that I did pretty well, I hope.

Afterwords, I dropped off the movies I rented from the library... how fun.

On Sunday, I went to work, 45 minute commute, ughhhh... well I do benefit the place I work at, otherwise I would quit. After that I went to my moms for 'Easter' lunch with my brother and his family. I went to my brothers' after that.

At least I did something unlike being a bum...

Life... In General

LIFE...

Is what is so unfair...
Is what YOU make it...
Is a bitch...
Can slap you in the face...
Is Karma in human form...

Well that is how I see it. It can be all those things and more. Some people including myself thinks that life sucks. One thing, IT DOES! Even able bodied people say that... I can't blame anyone that says that, because if somebody think it does not suck, they have no life. I honestly pity people that have it easy, it is just stupid to be that way. On a daily basis I really want to just be out of my house all day and have fun, work hard for money, actually EARN your way to the top... and live a life.
Right now, I am listening to Pandora Radio and typing this blog with my On-Screen Keyboard. Earlier, I woke up at around 10 AM, I want to wake earlier but why should I? It is 'hard' to do that I guess.... I am also training a new guy to work with me with a PCA that has worked for me for close to 9 years. The new guy will replace him... that will bring me down for a while but I am quite demanding so I will get over it. Eventually. That was my day so far, nothing to drastic.
Later, I might make PB cookies, Yum! Maybe I'll go to Friday's too... Hmm... Hard life... LOL... I hate it, I need a damn job!

True Friends

I have seen the true colors of my roommates today... I have a decent computer for myself and it seems it is a house computer. One roommate has no computer at all and wishes to have one, another roommate has a really old computer and has no internet as of last night, my final roommate does not need a computer, so no issues with him. The 2 roommates (females btw) always argue about the computer saying, "well she was on, my turn" sounding like little girls... but now I am seriously putting my foot down by allowing NOBODY on my computer at all.

Sad to say it but are they really my friends? since they use computer for their own benefits, hmm, I guess they were using me, lol.

I'm sick of it but it was inevitable...

Who Cares

I have learned something that has been true time and time again, who honestly cares about others, in the end, we all will face god or whatever you believe in.

I heard that Obama slipped the words "I played like a special olympics" when he was on Leno last week. I say big deal, he said those words, does not mean he is a bad person, I do not care he said that at all, why should I? I mean seriously, is it REALLY a big deal? I expected this when he was on Leno, somebody would make something out of nothing. This really is nothing, there are bigger fish to fry, people die in this world, starving children, teens making bad decisions, bums needing money, list goes on... The world is still spinning. It's not the end of the world. If it is a big deal to you, WHO CARES!

Blank Slate

I feel anticipated to do something more with my life, something people will know me by. I don't know what I should do though, I guess I need more motivation... music usually pushes me to do something productive with my life, like to write this blog. I have also felt very bored lately, why should I be bored? I got to shut up and write away, design websites, produce music videos, shopping, and just hang out. Nothing to complain about, what an easy life, worry if I will go out with friends, eat out, go to movies, WOW what a hard life...

I'm sick of people complaining about the small things in life, it seriously makes me mad, especially when you have nothing to complain about AKA a drama queen.

More to come...

Trapped Part Deux

As I said in my other blog, I am trapped... I was talking about physically trapped, this time I am emotionally trapped. I feel like I am trapped in a body I am not supposed to be in. As you know I am confined to a wheelchair, and when I am on a 'low' day, I say 'why am I in this body, why can't I just get up and walk around?' it is so frustrating to be stuck in a position you don't want to be in. I don't have a choice to just get up and walk around... but I stay strong and be the most positive I could be. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could walk and what would be the first things I would do. They would be calling my family and close friends. I would manage my brothers store, start writing scripts with friends, be more busy with school, party with my friends, get my own apartment without worrying about who would take care of me. Right now I need to depend on others too much, I can't just tell them to go away so I can take a break from them, I need them, and that's the sad truth. I hate that, I just want to be on my own. My relationships would be stronger if there was no third person there. Maybe I am just too stubborn, who cares if they are there, they are a part of me now if they are not there I don't survive.

Trapped

I am really getting sick of where I am living! It was great a few weeks ago, but something changed, it seems I can't go anywhere and enjoy it... Well on weekends I work so that is a good thing. A bare minimum but at least it's something I am doing.

A week or so ago my vans' lights did not work and it needed to be in the shop, so I was basically trapped at home doing nothing for a few days. That weekend I went to work by borrowing another group homes' van (since I do live in a corporate group home) their vans were so much smaller then my own, I was thinking 'why doesn't my house have this small of a van when my van is so bulky?' that ticked me a little bit. At least they didn't have the courage to not send me to work! I guess they wanted to save themselves trouble... The next few days I stayed home doing nothing again. On Wednesday I borrowed a van again to go out, after I came back 'late' I heard that my roommate fell and broke knee and toe. I feel bad because if I did not borrow that van, I would not have been 'late', and I doubt my roommate would have fell, who knows... I was basically frustrated, this much freaking effort to go out and buy my damn supplies, why do I have to live in this place if I need to deal with this garbage? I should be able to go out WHENEVER I need it... The next day the van came 'luckily' to pick up my roommate from woodwinds hospital since she got her cast on and needing a wheelchair. Now the staff need to deal with her cares AND mine! So I can not go anywhere unless there is a staff with her at the home. When I do go out with staff, it is almost never for fun stuff any more, just work and doctor appointments, how fun is that?

Last Saturday after work I went to the Science Museum with my brother, his family and my mother, that was fun! Afterwords, my mom drives me home, she was not too happy about that because it is not her responsibility to drive me anywhere, it is my staffs' responsibility to do that, but I knew it would take them an hour or so to pick me up when my mom drives me it would be much less then that. I had fun at the Museum, that is what matters!

On Monday, I had a good day! Well... most of it I stayed home but at 6 my mom picked me up to go to one of my good friends' home for a late dinner. I had to be home at 8 but I could not just tell my friend that I had to leave, I rarely see this friend so I need to enjoy my time there. Later on when I arrive home, at 10, the overnight staff was mad at the fact I came late, I guess I can't have a life now! I'm 21, I need to enjoy my young life... please understand that!

Today on Tuesday, I did not do anything most of the day yet again! My roommate had an appointment and came at around 7:30, then I wanted to go out and buy stuff, the staff member refused to take me out because it was too late... well he finally gave in and I get into the van, I noticed as I got in, smoke was going up in the front! I guess what they fixed started burning! WOW WHAT A WASTE OF A FORD! too much trouble... I guess I am trapped for a few more days...