Thursday, February 19, 2009
Trapped Part Deux
As I said in my other blog, I am trapped... I was talking about physically trapped, this time I am emotionally trapped. I feel like I am trapped in a body I am not supposed to be in. As you know I am confined to a wheelchair, and when I am on a 'low' day, I say 'why am I in this body, why can't I just get up and walk around?' it is so frustrating to be stuck in a position you don't want to be in. I don't have a choice to just get up and walk around... but I stay strong and be the most positive I could be. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could walk and what would be the first things I would do. They would be calling my family and close friends. I would manage my brothers store, start writing scripts with friends, be more busy with school, party with my friends, get my own apartment without worrying about who would take care of me. Right now I need to depend on others too much, I can't just tell them to go away so I can take a break from them, I need them, and that's the sad truth. I hate that, I just want to be on my own. My relationships would be stronger if there was no third person there. Maybe I am just too stubborn, who cares if they are there, they are a part of me now if they are not there I don't survive.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Trapped
I am really getting sick of where I am living! It was great a few weeks ago, but something changed, it seems I can't go anywhere and enjoy it... Well on weekends I work so that is a good thing. A bare minimum but at least it's something I am doing.
A week or so ago my vans' lights did not work and it needed to be in the shop, so I was basically trapped at home doing nothing for a few days. That weekend I went to work by borrowing another group homes' van (since I do live in a corporate group home) their vans were so much smaller then my own, I was thinking 'why doesn't my house have this small of a van when my van is so bulky?' that ticked me a little bit. At least they didn't have the courage to not send me to work! I guess they wanted to save themselves trouble... The next few days I stayed home doing nothing again. On Wednesday I borrowed a van again to go out, after I came back 'late' I heard that my roommate fell and broke knee and toe. I feel bad because if I did not borrow that van, I would not have been 'late', and I doubt my roommate would have fell, who knows... I was basically frustrated, this much freaking effort to go out and buy my damn supplies, why do I have to live in this place if I need to deal with this garbage? I should be able to go out WHENEVER I need it... The next day the van came 'luckily' to pick up my roommate from woodwinds hospital since she got her cast on and needing a wheelchair. Now the staff need to deal with her cares AND mine! So I can not go anywhere unless there is a staff with her at the home. When I do go out with staff, it is almost never for fun stuff any more, just work and doctor appointments, how fun is that?
Last Saturday after work I went to the Science Museum with my brother, his family and my mother, that was fun! Afterwords, my mom drives me home, she was not too happy about that because it is not her responsibility to drive me anywhere, it is my staffs' responsibility to do that, but I knew it would take them an hour or so to pick me up when my mom drives me it would be much less then that. I had fun at the Museum, that is what matters!
On Monday, I had a good day! Well... most of it I stayed home but at 6 my mom picked me up to go to one of my good friends' home for a late dinner. I had to be home at 8 but I could not just tell my friend that I had to leave, I rarely see this friend so I need to enjoy my time there. Later on when I arrive home, at 10, the overnight staff was mad at the fact I came late, I guess I can't have a life now! I'm 21, I need to enjoy my young life... please understand that!
Today on Tuesday, I did not do anything most of the day yet again! My roommate had an appointment and came at around 7:30, then I wanted to go out and buy stuff, the staff member refused to take me out because it was too late... well he finally gave in and I get into the van, I noticed as I got in, smoke was going up in the front! I guess what they fixed started burning! WOW WHAT A WASTE OF A FORD! too much trouble... I guess I am trapped for a few more days...
A week or so ago my vans' lights did not work and it needed to be in the shop, so I was basically trapped at home doing nothing for a few days. That weekend I went to work by borrowing another group homes' van (since I do live in a corporate group home) their vans were so much smaller then my own, I was thinking 'why doesn't my house have this small of a van when my van is so bulky?' that ticked me a little bit. At least they didn't have the courage to not send me to work! I guess they wanted to save themselves trouble... The next few days I stayed home doing nothing again. On Wednesday I borrowed a van again to go out, after I came back 'late' I heard that my roommate fell and broke knee and toe. I feel bad because if I did not borrow that van, I would not have been 'late', and I doubt my roommate would have fell, who knows... I was basically frustrated, this much freaking effort to go out and buy my damn supplies, why do I have to live in this place if I need to deal with this garbage? I should be able to go out WHENEVER I need it... The next day the van came 'luckily' to pick up my roommate from woodwinds hospital since she got her cast on and needing a wheelchair. Now the staff need to deal with her cares AND mine! So I can not go anywhere unless there is a staff with her at the home. When I do go out with staff, it is almost never for fun stuff any more, just work and doctor appointments, how fun is that?
Last Saturday after work I went to the Science Museum with my brother, his family and my mother, that was fun! Afterwords, my mom drives me home, she was not too happy about that because it is not her responsibility to drive me anywhere, it is my staffs' responsibility to do that, but I knew it would take them an hour or so to pick me up when my mom drives me it would be much less then that. I had fun at the Museum, that is what matters!
On Monday, I had a good day! Well... most of it I stayed home but at 6 my mom picked me up to go to one of my good friends' home for a late dinner. I had to be home at 8 but I could not just tell my friend that I had to leave, I rarely see this friend so I need to enjoy my time there. Later on when I arrive home, at 10, the overnight staff was mad at the fact I came late, I guess I can't have a life now! I'm 21, I need to enjoy my young life... please understand that!
Today on Tuesday, I did not do anything most of the day yet again! My roommate had an appointment and came at around 7:30, then I wanted to go out and buy stuff, the staff member refused to take me out because it was too late... well he finally gave in and I get into the van, I noticed as I got in, smoke was going up in the front! I guess what they fixed started burning! WOW WHAT A WASTE OF A FORD! too much trouble... I guess I am trapped for a few more days...
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