Trance in a dance

What the hell am I going through? I do something outside of my group home EVERY day, I'm just not satisfied. I really think I have been avoiding that void I have in me, basically a hole in me. I think it is a sickness, a love sickness. I am not sure why I am going through this now. It has been bothering me for a while actually. I try to just push these feelings away, like putting dust under the rug, it just adds up. It is coming to the point to spill the beans, see how I feel then. I am in denial if I say I am not in love, I am and it is that wrong love but honestly love can KNOCK YOU DOWN. Ughhhh.... I just want to scream "I love you" to her but that will be stupid. Love is stupid. Why do I need this now? I got a lot to risk. Is it checkMATE yet? Awwww... forget it, it's a big nothing, it's all in my head, or is it? I DON'T KNOW. One thing about being love sick, I gained confidence, gained SWAGGER, setting more realistic goals, doing something to stop thinking about her, somethings like going to schools, going out on a daily basis, actually talking more. But is this really who I am? Did I discover myself? Or is this a fake me? I honestly have no clue. This still does not answer what the hell I am going through.......

I am confused, a lost soul looking for his other half, a SOUL MATE, Am I joking? a soul mate? seriously? what a joke, theres no such thing, or is there? Who really knows or cares about that? I am trying to have a life, change my life for the better.

I also over analize the small things too much, either about a person, an object, basically overnounalize things, meaning over analizing persons, places, or things... wow that actually made sense... haha I invented a new word, 'overnounalize'

Anyways, What the hell did I just say? well I said I 33 times lol...

Maturity

Laziness is really a disease maybe a sickness, because I find my roommates SLEEPING or on the computer doing games and basically waste their time. I hate that, I used to think sleeping in was "cool" but I was just being lazy. Something clicked in me and now when its around 8 am I just wake up and do my cares, eat, then watch cnn, and spend like 30 minutes MAX on my computer, and do what I got to do. For example, I "lock in" or focus on something, recently playing around with a beat making program Fruity Loops Studio, or writing business ideas down, or write a screenplay for a movie. I can really do alot until my other staff comes @ 2, when its 2 I really like to talk to the staff that comes in and ask them whats for dinner and help with ideas of what to do after. Some days we go on walks, go shopping, go out to eat, grocery shopping, what ever is needed.

This really frustrates me when my roommates complain, wow they complain, they don't see that they are so lucky to live where they are. One time one complains about the food and they don't take the effort to go grocery shopping. WHY COMPLAIN IF YOU DON'T GO? its seriously dumb to complain about that.
Another time was when overnight staff had to stay 10pm until 2pm, a roommate had the courage to complain about that staff used 10 of those small medication cups for her 10 different meds, seriously it was his first overnight whats the big deal? atleast he DID medication.

I have really SHATTERED through my shell and have grown so much living at a group home, I don't regret that at all now.

Weekend

First of all on Saturday I went to a 'casting call' for an entertainment complex, they let me fill an application and go on an interview immediately after. It was my first official interview, I was freaking nervous! They asked me the strangest questions like what my favorite movie was, I replied Slumdog Millionaire... I think I responded a little early, oh well. I think that I did pretty well, I hope.

Afterwords, I dropped off the movies I rented from the library... how fun.

On Sunday, I went to work, 45 minute commute, ughhhh... well I do benefit the place I work at, otherwise I would quit. After that I went to my moms for 'Easter' lunch with my brother and his family. I went to my brothers' after that.

At least I did something unlike being a bum...

Life... In General

LIFE...

Is what is so unfair...
Is what YOU make it...
Is a bitch...
Can slap you in the face...
Is Karma in human form...

Well that is how I see it. It can be all those things and more. Some people including myself thinks that life sucks. One thing, IT DOES! Even able bodied people say that... I can't blame anyone that says that, because if somebody think it does not suck, they have no life. I honestly pity people that have it easy, it is just stupid to be that way. On a daily basis I really want to just be out of my house all day and have fun, work hard for money, actually EARN your way to the top... and live a life.
Right now, I am listening to Pandora Radio and typing this blog with my On-Screen Keyboard. Earlier, I woke up at around 10 AM, I want to wake earlier but why should I? It is 'hard' to do that I guess.... I am also training a new guy to work with me with a PCA that has worked for me for close to 9 years. The new guy will replace him... that will bring me down for a while but I am quite demanding so I will get over it. Eventually. That was my day so far, nothing to drastic.
Later, I might make PB cookies, Yum! Maybe I'll go to Friday's too... Hmm... Hard life... LOL... I hate it, I need a damn job!

True Friends

I have seen the true colors of my roommates today... I have a decent computer for myself and it seems it is a house computer. One roommate has no computer at all and wishes to have one, another roommate has a really old computer and has no internet as of last night, my final roommate does not need a computer, so no issues with him. The 2 roommates (females btw) always argue about the computer saying, "well she was on, my turn" sounding like little girls... but now I am seriously putting my foot down by allowing NOBODY on my computer at all.

Sad to say it but are they really my friends? since they use computer for their own benefits, hmm, I guess they were using me, lol.

I'm sick of it but it was inevitable...

Who Cares

I have learned something that has been true time and time again, who honestly cares about others, in the end, we all will face god or whatever you believe in.

I heard that Obama slipped the words "I played like a special olympics" when he was on Leno last week. I say big deal, he said those words, does not mean he is a bad person, I do not care he said that at all, why should I? I mean seriously, is it REALLY a big deal? I expected this when he was on Leno, somebody would make something out of nothing. This really is nothing, there are bigger fish to fry, people die in this world, starving children, teens making bad decisions, bums needing money, list goes on... The world is still spinning. It's not the end of the world. If it is a big deal to you, WHO CARES!

Blank Slate

I feel anticipated to do something more with my life, something people will know me by. I don't know what I should do though, I guess I need more motivation... music usually pushes me to do something productive with my life, like to write this blog. I have also felt very bored lately, why should I be bored? I got to shut up and write away, design websites, produce music videos, shopping, and just hang out. Nothing to complain about, what an easy life, worry if I will go out with friends, eat out, go to movies, WOW what a hard life...

I'm sick of people complaining about the small things in life, it seriously makes me mad, especially when you have nothing to complain about AKA a drama queen.

More to come...