Trust Fund Baby in California Part III

Let's see here, where do I start? Well, I am stressed, who isn't stressed? Why should I even feel stressed? I am feeling isolated, I should not even be saying all this on the internet, but who really cares, I do not know what to really do. Maybe I am being a downer... can you blame me? I have not enjoyed having no power chair but stay positive, right? HOW THE HELL CAN I, I am going crazy not going out. Add on having to deal with the same staff, same tv, same housemates, same computer, same food, same old shit every single day, I do not see other people, I am a social person, I like connecting with people, maybe I should be a caregiver and care for people but how can I even do that when I need to be taken care of, oh the irony. Wow I am ranting like crazy, but I can keep going. I am pissed off that I need to be pushed around these days, and I did not call or do anything about it since Wednesday, who knows why... coming to the point that I will implode from all the stress. What else is causing my stress? having most of my relationships be with staff or housemates, I have nothing against them at all. Another stress is not being this young 21 year old I DESERVE to be. I can keep going... but I'll shut up, enough ranting for tonight, I honestly do not like ranting but I'll go crazy if I don't...

In Tha Hell

Well, Well, Well
Hell if I care bout you
Your mother is a jew
Your father has swine flu
Your brother aint got a clue
Your sister is due

Hell if I cared bout you
But I do, yeah I do, do you pay your dues?
I know its unfair
I wont admit
I am admittin now

Please forgive?
Please, please
Please forgive?

You won't?
Fine see if I care
I gave you my all
I shopped for everything in the mall
In the fall
Damn it got cold, you shivering?
Well hell froze over

I'm in hell
What the hell
What, what
What the hell
(5x)

What's the diff of you n me?
None if u askin me, what you askin me?

See who comes to you if you down n out now
These words are the honest truth
Rhyme with tooth
I see you got punched in the face
What your now missing a tooth?
That is the truth, slaps you in the face don't it? don't it?

Hell if I cared bout you
But I do, yeah I do
I know it is unfair
I wont admit
I am admittin now

I just do not know what to say
I should say nothin to you
You shattered my trust
Maybe I should forgive and forget you
Yeah maybe i should
No i will never ever remember you again
I have no clue what to do
Always thinkin bout you I got no clue why

I'm in hell
What the hell
What, what
What the hell
(5x)

Trust Fund Baby in California Part II

...As I was saying last night, it is so beautiful in California, palm trees everywhere. I went to this Lamborghini Dealership in La Jolla, damn those are some NICE cars. Everything is freaking amazing there, if you are an outgoing person like myself (if my wheelchair works) California is where you need to be. Minnesota is boring as hell, I think hell froze over in the MN, no joke! There is nearly nothing to do here, there are lakes, MPLS, Mall of America, and basically sporting events, oh can't forget Valleyfair or the Minnesota State Fair. In California there is the beaches, Sea World, LA, Hollywood, Balboa Park, Disneyland, Universal Studios, Just driving around looking at the views is something to do, list can go on and on...

Thats all I can come up with for today, 3 is coming

Trust Fund Baby in California Part I

Umm... I still exist, Yeah since May I posted something, now it is October, that is like 5 months. Alot happened since then, the post in May is still accurate, still a bit love sick or basically infatuated.

Well I am not a trust fund baby or anything, I think those people have everything and just not satisfied. Maybe I am the same way as them, just labeled as something else, I am a generic trust fund baby I guess.

Lately I just get confused who to trust, who to talk to, who to confide in without getting stabbed in the back or emotionally hurt. I have no choice but to trust the people taking care of me, and when I do not interact with family and friends because of the fact I get stuck at home for a multitude of reasons; van issues, wheelchair not working, not enough staff hours to get out since there is a second person with 24 hour care, so the only time I go out is when there is support staff or when that second person is at work, how sad is that? Staying at home is really stressing me out, I am nearly going psychotic pretty much, if I don't interact with people I'll go crazy, I am a very social person, when I do not go out, the only interaction I get is with staff and my housemates and even that is getting under my skin because I see them every day, it gets really boring. To the point that I take an unorganized trip to California, it was so beautiful and breathtaking. I was down in San Diego by the way, just amazing, 70s and sunny EVERY day...

MIDNIGHT... part two soon

Trance in a dance

What the hell am I going through? I do something outside of my group home EVERY day, I'm just not satisfied. I really think I have been avoiding that void I have in me, basically a hole in me. I think it is a sickness, a love sickness. I am not sure why I am going through this now. It has been bothering me for a while actually. I try to just push these feelings away, like putting dust under the rug, it just adds up. It is coming to the point to spill the beans, see how I feel then. I am in denial if I say I am not in love, I am and it is that wrong love but honestly love can KNOCK YOU DOWN. Ughhhh.... I just want to scream "I love you" to her but that will be stupid. Love is stupid. Why do I need this now? I got a lot to risk. Is it checkMATE yet? Awwww... forget it, it's a big nothing, it's all in my head, or is it? I DON'T KNOW. One thing about being love sick, I gained confidence, gained SWAGGER, setting more realistic goals, doing something to stop thinking about her, somethings like going to schools, going out on a daily basis, actually talking more. But is this really who I am? Did I discover myself? Or is this a fake me? I honestly have no clue. This still does not answer what the hell I am going through.......

I am confused, a lost soul looking for his other half, a SOUL MATE, Am I joking? a soul mate? seriously? what a joke, theres no such thing, or is there? Who really knows or cares about that? I am trying to have a life, change my life for the better.

I also over analize the small things too much, either about a person, an object, basically overnounalize things, meaning over analizing persons, places, or things... wow that actually made sense... haha I invented a new word, 'overnounalize'

Anyways, What the hell did I just say? well I said I 33 times lol...

Maturity

Laziness is really a disease maybe a sickness, because I find my roommates SLEEPING or on the computer doing games and basically waste their time. I hate that, I used to think sleeping in was "cool" but I was just being lazy. Something clicked in me and now when its around 8 am I just wake up and do my cares, eat, then watch cnn, and spend like 30 minutes MAX on my computer, and do what I got to do. For example, I "lock in" or focus on something, recently playing around with a beat making program Fruity Loops Studio, or writing business ideas down, or write a screenplay for a movie. I can really do alot until my other staff comes @ 2, when its 2 I really like to talk to the staff that comes in and ask them whats for dinner and help with ideas of what to do after. Some days we go on walks, go shopping, go out to eat, grocery shopping, what ever is needed.

This really frustrates me when my roommates complain, wow they complain, they don't see that they are so lucky to live where they are. One time one complains about the food and they don't take the effort to go grocery shopping. WHY COMPLAIN IF YOU DON'T GO? its seriously dumb to complain about that.
Another time was when overnight staff had to stay 10pm until 2pm, a roommate had the courage to complain about that staff used 10 of those small medication cups for her 10 different meds, seriously it was his first overnight whats the big deal? atleast he DID medication.

I have really SHATTERED through my shell and have grown so much living at a group home, I don't regret that at all now.

Weekend

First of all on Saturday I went to a 'casting call' for an entertainment complex, they let me fill an application and go on an interview immediately after. It was my first official interview, I was freaking nervous! They asked me the strangest questions like what my favorite movie was, I replied Slumdog Millionaire... I think I responded a little early, oh well. I think that I did pretty well, I hope.

Afterwords, I dropped off the movies I rented from the library... how fun.

On Sunday, I went to work, 45 minute commute, ughhhh... well I do benefit the place I work at, otherwise I would quit. After that I went to my moms for 'Easter' lunch with my brother and his family. I went to my brothers' after that.

At least I did something unlike being a bum...